What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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