I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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