I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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