life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
