Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
