I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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