Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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