Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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