All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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