also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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