Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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