Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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