I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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