Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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