All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
