You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
