Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
