all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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