She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
