Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
