booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
