I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
