you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
