my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
