Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
