Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
