Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
