my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
