If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
