Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
