I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The Olympian is in my bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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