hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
