There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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