Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
