dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
