The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
