at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
