just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
