I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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