I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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