You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
