Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize