Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
