she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize