I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
