I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
