Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize