I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
