I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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