i need an iv and a liver transplant
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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