I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
