Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
