Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize