Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
