please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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