in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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