he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
