apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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