if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
