he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
