Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
