Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
