OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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